Coughing has been a normal occurrence for me pretty much from the time I was born. My first hospital stay for my lungs took place when I was only a year old. The next one happened at age four. According to the x-ray one of my lungs collapsed due to the pneumonia I had. I missed almost a month of school in fifth grade due to pneumonia again. Having a constant cough has been my life. Holding my breath and trying to stop myself from coughing at school, church and so many other places was commonplace. I was told I had asthma and that became the reason that I coughed so much. It was a part of life, but not a main part.
At age 19 that changed for me. It was at age 19 I did a sweat test to find out if I had cystic fibrosis. I remember checking online for my results frequently waiting to find out what they would say. My sister that got tested with me was the first one to see her results. She was in the normal range. I got online and saw that mine was significantly higher than the normal range. At first I thought maybe it was a mistake or else that it wasn’t high enough to be a big deal. I was trying to minimize and stay in denial. Doctor Carveth called me a few days later to confirm my diagnosis and encourage me to set up my first appointment. I did in fact have CF. A couple months later genetic testing came back further confirming this reality.
I was put on a medicine regimen at my first appointment. Part of that regimen involves spending time nebulizing medications. It is supposed to be a daily process. Depending on the medications I am doing it can take between 15 minutes and an hour to get through this process. At first it was exciting and then it became a daily chore. It felt like CF was interfering with my life and getting a daily victory each time I did my treatments. The words I used in the poem and bondage, enslaved, and captive. These accurately describe the feelings I had about doing my treatments.
My lungs improved with treatment and I started feeling better. I quickly fell away from treatments and became an occasional user when I was starting to feel sick. I got bronchitis and the therapy became part of my routine again seeking to get my lungs back to where they were. I started to view things differently. The time on the machine prevented illnesses and helped me feel better. It doesn’t happen immediately and as I’m doing the treatment the difference isn’t too apparent, but it does work. The machine works so that I can feel better and engage in my life. It works and hopefully by spending hours, days, months and years hooked to the machine hopefully I gain more time and health. This poem was written about my relationship with this machine, however there are other things in our lives that much like the machine we have to learn to accept and see the benefits it offers.
